A whole lot of crazy

So the PSI is up to 290. Worrying. And my father decided to paint the doors in the house today, so my apartment is filled with weird smells. I think I might die.

Just drank milo and ate a whole bunch of biscuits. I haven't had supper like this in a very long time. Maybe a year plus. Seriously, constantly being on diet and failing screws up your mind. For now, I'm just going to eat whatever I want. After TSD I'll spam gym and shit.

Currently studying econs. This holiday has been crazy. Wished I started earlier. But with TSD practice almost everyday, you don't feel like doing anything when you get home. Fortunately I have harp lessons, keeps me more occupied and stuff. Can't wait to get a harp and learn all those awesome tunes. :)

Ending with a picture. I look so tired ;-; Less than a month to go.

first harp lesson

So I'm doing my critical commentary now.

3 more days till submission and I'm not ready.

So many things due on Wednesday, I hope I don't forget anything.

Godot, Soyinka essay. Critical Commentary. The Harp course thingy.

And not forgetting, fund summary.

Had my first harp lesson yesterday and I didn't even know it was going to be a lesson.

Thought I was going to grab the receipt and she just gave me a lesson.

My fingers hurt now x_x But it brings back memories from CO.

But it's damn sian that the harp and the pipa's plucking is completely opposite. 

For pipa you shoot your fingers out, for harp your fingers have to go back to your palm constantly.

My fingers are pretty retarded now. And I can't read scores, have to 'translate' them. EURGH so much for 4 years of music cca. 

Sometimes I doubt I've learnt anything in CO.

But can't wait for 9 months of lessons heh fun. :D

New phone

So I finally got my new phone!!!
It's a Samsung galaxy s4.
The screen is soooo gorgeous!!!
Ugh But currently the sensor is not working.
Went to paya lebar to collect the bags today. Then walked around city plaza. Saw a couple of tops But super expensive! 
Decided to get a pair of pleather shorts!
They were of a tougher material and I love it so much heh!

Time to do my Godot essay boohoo...

f fitness

So I didn't go to school again today.

Woke up with the worst muscle ache.

My neck hurts, my arms and legs are dyinggg.

Had NAPFA yesterday and I managed to secure a GOLD!!!

It's funny how I got Bronze all the way in Sec school and in JC I got Gold through out heh.

Did crazy loads of physical theatre yesterday, which added to this pain.

TSD showcase was awesome yesterday.

Nerve-wrecking but SUPER AWESOME.

It was great, having the classmates and the cca exco people hanging around and supporting us.

Felt real awesome! I had crazy performance anxiety before, and I even googled how to get rid of it defuq.

I kept reassuring myself that it's not my first performance and I had a bigger audience before.

I decided to pray and miraculously, during the performance, I WASN'T NERVOUS.

NOT EVEN ONE BIT. I even recalled I had a moment when I was thinking of making myself nervous and I was just CALM. Thank God for removing the fears and all :') It was the first time I felt so chill!!!

And a12 is real awesomee, I must say. Really know how to leave a mark heh.

I love this pose! SO DIVA HEHE

AND OF COURSE, SLUTTY EUGENE

 And not forgetting, WAR FACE >:(

Headed to XinWang to SUPPPPER with Hevinaaa.

WE ORDERED SHITLOADS OF FOOD.

Two desserts, french toast w peanut butter, mango prawn roll, custard buns zomgggg dead.

I have some pics but they have my unglam face so yea.

2 DAYS TO NEW PHONE.

Can't wait for CCA+ Class phototaking! :D

So much stuff to dooo this weekend. But at least taking a break from TSD! :)

Dinner with half of my girls on friday, dare6 volunteer briefing and swimming w mel and church w marcus on sat! :)

unexpected but beautiful

I have a business proposal due tomorrow. I need to finish memorising my script.

2 more days to a new phone.

Can't wait.

Anyhow, I must share what happened to me :')

A few weeks ago, I participated in Laurier's Win A Skill Contest after seeing the advertorial on bongqiuqiu's blog.

I wrote a massive entry about wanting to learn the harp.

Yesterday, when I was going to hev's house with mel. The phone rang.

I picked up the call and the lady said I won a $1000 sponsorship for the harp lessons.

I cried like a baby. And the funny thing was that I missed a couple of calls and I only took the call when Mel was there.

She knows I always win stuff so she was like "OMG DID YOU WIN A PHONE" when I was crying.

There were so many primary school kids on the bus and I was bawling my eyes out oh god.

But it was a magical moment :)

It was a dream come true.

I called the girls one by one to tell them, and to thank them.

Thank you everyone, who affirmed me and encouraged me. I love you all.

Earlier in the day, went for Rachael's Vball match. It was great!

Being such an emotional wreck I teared a bit when all of them were singing the Victorian Anthem since it was the j2s' last match. :')

After that, I went for ICS Night. 

ICS night was really good.

The performances were funny and it was really entertaining.

Ate udders for the first time and it was fantabulous.

I need to start exercising and all. I keep eating food and my stomach is legit dyinggggg.

sometimes, it's so hard to breathe

okay i'm going to be less whiney and more positive from now onwards.
it's not going to be tiring if it makes me feel better.

and so i was hacked

i was hacked less than ten minutes ago on twitter, and being the most paranoid person, i started panicking and deleted all the tweets the moment they came out.
i would not call it overreacting because that's the way i react naturally.
IT WAS SO FUCKING CREEPY. Here I am, at home, chilling. I've never logged in to twitter on anyone's phone! That's why I was so freaked out. When tweets started arriving im like defuq.
I got a call from my junior first and then i saw a couple of mentions and i was just like DAHECK THIS IS CREEPY. DID I CLICK ON SOME WEIRD LINK.
But then after analysing the tweets, I concluded that it was a real human.

ANYHOW, ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE. NAPFA IS OVER.
ok not exactly, 2.4 is over. I did probably the worst I could lol. Walked twice and was kind of idgaf on the third round.
I was like "YUNWEI DO YOU WANT TO BE FAT? NO? THEN RUN"
but then it degenerated to "WHATEVER LA PASS ENOUGH ALR"
and yea i passed.
AND I GOT LOADS OF FOOOOOOOD WOOHOOO

SO NOW, YOU MUST BE WONDERING: WHY AM I HOME ON THE DAY OF TSD SHOWCASE?
Because it was CANCELLED.
I WAS AT THE BUS STOP WHEN MEL SMSED ME AND I WAS JUST LIKE WTFBBQ?
Turns out the audience was too small and there was no point in continuing with the thing.
It was so sad :(

So I bought like 8 cornettos in a pack to cheer meself and then found out I had 4 alr in my fridge. Nevermind, I can always eat 12 cornettos. And then I ate seaweed and all that shit. It was so good.
Being fat is good.

AND HEVINA FINALLY SENT ME THE PICS FROM CLARKE QUAYYY.
Okay so basically I was having some kind of identity crisis here as well. I hope I remember what happened.

So I left school at around 6+ and was alone and sad and didn't know where to go.
fortunately le wild emma appeared and she agreed to accompany me to eat dinner. :') love you emma
so basically, she went all the way to paya lebar with me just to WATCH me eat!!! and this girl has choir the next day. :')
went to kfc and i was so tempted to get double down but i was scared i would die.
i haven't eaten kfc in a crazy long time.
got zinger and again talking about life and shizz
thanks emma <3 :D
then headed to hevina's house to prep.
i was sooooooo shagged.
my eyebags were crazy.
proof:

 see how they are bigger than my eyes?!

anyway my ootd. if you hadn't realised i only possess 3 clothing items #poverty

 CAMWHORED WITH IPHONE HEHEHEHE

 US FULLY MADE UP AND READY TO GOOOO.

so hevina's mum drove us there and she got coke from burger king and we took some more pictures.

OK AND THEN WE JUST SAT BY THE RIVER AND TALKED.

AND TALKED.

AND TALKED.

Until 2am.

We talked about everything and like it was followed by occasional pauses and then exclamations of "GUYS UGH"

I took some more pictures of myself while she went off LOL

I SERIOUSLY CAN'T WAIT FOR A NEW PHONE.

TO SPAM PEOPLE ON SNAPCHAT

AND ALL. UGHHHH.

Then we went back at close to 3am and wanted to order pizza.

BUT PIZZA ISN'T 24/7 :(

So we went to sleep then we figured that if we ordered pizza at the earliest time, we will get it asap.

WE WERE WRONGGGGGG.

WE WAITED 2 HOURS FOR OUR DOMINO'S PIZZA.

UGH SO ANGRY.

BUT WE EACH ATE A PIZZA SO IT WAS GOOD.

I LOVE DOMINO'S SO MUCH YUM YUM NOM NOM.

Then after that went for my facial lo.

Pretty fun weekend, but didn't manage to go for NYLON. BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE THIS WAS STILL BETTER THAN PREVIOUS WEEKENDS :D

Ending with a pic of myself I like hhahahaha.

SO THIS POST IS JUST FILLED WITH PICTURES OF ME KTHXBAI

oh yea

9 days to new phone.

had a pretty good friday+sat. probably one of the best ones this year.
spent it with dear hevina! :) i'll update with a more detailed entry with more pics (still waiting for her to send me the pics)
went for facial as well. it was the most shiok and most painful thing ever. my face is all red now ugh.
ohkay at least my brows are trimmed and shit. I can't wait for the redness to go and for my skin to look awesome.
so not looking forward to this week...
napfa+ mono/duo+ business proposal due. and not forgetting, my late crit comm.

a post about my calves

so the title is half true.
i had the best dance lesson today. and this is considering i ponned half of my lessons previously.
i'm progressing because for my previous dance lesson i ponned 4/8. this time, i ponned 3/8. Soon it will be 0/8.
anyway, i think most people know dance is like a big word to me. I've had a long history with dance.
But it didn't start out well la.
When I was young, my mum asked me if I wanted to take ballet lessons and I was like NOOOO. (UGH)
I performed on stage once for some kindergarten performance. And apparently, I already had monster calves then.
Proof:

I'M ON THE LEFT (IN CASE YOU COULDN'T RECOGNISE. BUT SERIOUSLY HOW CHINA AM I) IT'S FREAKING SCARY RIGHT. LOOK AT HOW MY CALVES ARE THRICE THE SIZE OF THE SKINNY PEOPLE.
So all my life, I battled with weight. I was 55kg and 152cm in Primary 5 mind you. Everyone was like 20 or 30kg.

(spot me here. lolol can't believe i'm posting this.
So people believed me when I said I did plastic surgery. Did I? You decide ;) )


I was put into TAF club and my second encounter with dance came.
A couple of dancers from Studio Wu came to teach us fat people hip hop.
At first I was apprehensive and scared la. I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO FAT PEOPLE!!!
But then, the first lesson I learned how to do a wave. And from then onwards I would do random waves.
But being #badluck, the instructor joined some Channel U band contest and then the class was disbanded after 2 lessons.
So I was sad la but what to do! So I continued being fat.
Then came secondary school. I LOST LIKE 5KG AND GREW LIKE 6CM.
So naturally I looked more mature and shit. But up until now, my mum blames this weight loss for making my boobs shrink. Every now and then, she would see me and go " you shouldn't have lost weight in secondary school, your boobs were bigger in primary school." this is disturbing but thanks mum.
I wanted to join modern dance but then zhong hua being zhong hua, there was only chinese dance.
And the sight of people dressed in super tight leotards and 3cm thick makeup scared me. I already looked china enough I didn't want to look like a freaking china zombie. The worst thing was that I had to wear a leotard. I've struggled with my weight long enough, I didn't want to wear a freaking leotard and expose all my fats and non existent boobs. So I succumbed to peer pressure and joined CO.
Okay, going back to calves. My calves was made fun of. And it wasn't by strangers. It was by my own friends.
I hated my calves, like seriously. I couldn't run and do sports and my calves were so fatty. (I thought they were fat all along.) When I lost weight in secondary school, it became 3cm less. And I was like THANK GOD I AM SKINNY NOW (DEFUQ). But then it just stopped.

(see how skinny I looked in sec 3/4?! FML)

I would always read those japanese fashion beauty magazines and there would be weight loss issues. These girls would have like calves 29cm and I would be like defudge i need to cut off my flesh to be this skinny.
So i hated my legs. And I know it's a bit o_o because I always wear shorts. But the reason I wear shorts is really sad... I couldn't fit into jeans because my calves were too fat... It was so sad because you see Girls Generation with crazy legs and you fit yourself into skinnies and then you get stuck in them and tell yourself " HOLY FUCK I'M GOING TO WALK AROUND WITH THESE PAIR OF SKINNIES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" and then you manage to pull them off and you swear you'll never wear them again.

And then came secondary 3, a dance defining moment of my life as well.
In secondary 3, the kpop trend was strong.
I was an anti-kpop fan. And I would be like giving looks of disgust to those snsd worshippers who delude themselves and all.
But then I secretly enjoyed the dances. Even until now, I only look at kpop girl groups because the dances are more appropriate for me (no obscene hipthrust la)
So I would run home every single day, looking at wawa dance videos and learning dances. I looked damn terrible and my mirror would be my window. I would sweat so much but feel so good. My first dance learnt was Oh! by SNSD because it was so easy! I learnt it with my friends and we would dance it in class/behind school.
We nearly danced it during our sec 3 camp but was still self-conscious and I thought that my classmates would vomit if they see me dance something so cute so I didn't.
So, in secondary 3, the SC was being awesome and decided to hold a dance contest. I was like overjoyed.
So a few girls and guys gathered together and we wanted to join it.
We even booked the dance studio and I started to dance 4minute dances like HuH and all.
Then for the first time ever, my friend's jaw dropped and she went " OMG YUNWEI YOU CAN DANCE!!!"
AND THEN I WAS JUST LIKE :'( BECAUSE ALL ALONG MY FRIENDS GAVE ME LOOKS OF DISGUST WHEN I DANCED. There was only one girl who would encourage me and up until now I am thankful to her for it :'(
SO I WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY OF COURSE AND I WAS LIKE WE MUST JOIN WE MUST JOIN.
But then, since I am forever #badluck, one person decided that she was not up to it and she pulled out.
In the end the whole thing fell apart. I was depressed for a few days and nights and of course blamed her la.
But until now, I still remember the moment my friend was like "YUNWEI YOU CAN DANCE" and this blur friend would still have these random outbursts which make me :)
SO SAD, BUT AT LEAST SOME PROGRESS.
When I saw the dance competition that year, I was just like aw man. If only I was on stage. It was in sec 3 that I decided a lot of things for myself. For myself to join VJ Dance, and to get the humanities scholarship. Even here, I introduced the humanities scholarship to my friend. She got it in the end lol.
ANYWAY MOVING ON, there was also a secondary 4 dance competition, but everything was falling apart here and then I couldn't join la. But I was ok with it because I knew there would be greater things out there for me in JC.
So I ended Secondary School on a meh note, being in CO and being the only person to learn nothing about music.
When I went to JC, I was fucking excited. During orientation, I told everyone I wanted to join dance.
Then another og mate wanted too. And we were ok we join together. I was so hyped up and confident.
But then you know how #badluck I am, so we all know how that turned out.
On the day of the audition, I brought all my shizz. The tights and all.
Then I had a stomachache.
I knew it was psychological. But I am always afraid. So I managed to make up all kinds of excuses for myself.
"If you don't join, it's okay. Maybe you wouldn't like it."
SO I WENT HOME. I WAS ON THE BUS AND I STILL RECALL TILL THIS DAY.
MY HEAD WAS LIKE FULL OF THESE EXCUSES. And I remember smsing my friend, and she asked me if I'm going and I was like "I'm not feeling well."
So then, I was just like meh I'm probably doing the right thing because I'm following my mind.
THEN I FUCKING REGRETTED LA OF COURSE. MY FRIEND GOT IN. And then I was like :(
Because I knew i would have gotten in if I tried out. But I didn't.
Then I WAS LIKE IF I WAS GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE I WOULD JOIN.
AND YES, THEY HAD 2ND ROUND OF AUDITIONS.
SO I WAS LIKE FUCK.
But then it was held during the first/second practice. And I was like shit people will look at me and i will flop because my confidence is super low. So I ponned it AGAIN.
And obviously I was upset right.
I was upset with myself, but I vented my frustration at everyone.
IT WAS SO BAD. My close friend even said some stuff that cut my deep. DEEP.
She said something to the effect that I shouldn't whine and all because I deserved it (because I didn't have the courage). I WAS SO FUCKING SAD I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HER.
And everyday, i would see dance and be  like *whimper*.
But it was still bearable for me, because J1 only ma. You just chill and once you have awesome friends you feel great. I signed up for Street Jazz class with Melody and we had fun even though I ponned half of it. LOL. The only thing I remember was my teacher commenting that I've had nice feet. Melody also saw that my feet was crazy but then I was just like huh ok. When I was in Laos, I was stretching (ME STRETCH EVERYWHERE) and Vivian was like " are you a dancer" and I was like "no. :(" and she was like "YOU ARE A DANCER LA!" and I love these little moments when my friends would give me confidence boost :').

So JC 2 came. And like I was put into an OG with a lot of dancers.
So at first I was like :D because all of them were in the mascot group in our OG and they would do random dances and shit and I would dance with them sometimes. I was really happy la, although it was something small. Because it reminded me of the fun times I had dancing in Sec 3, especially to the 2009/2010 kpop dances (which I still remember to this day).
And they were like "we can go oschool together!" and I would be like :'D, I finally can dance in a group.
And then it was during here I realised that my feet were crazy.
I could point my feet and my toes could touch the floor. I thought it was normal. I was doing pointe with random shoes since young and I seriously thought it was normal. And like everytime when I do it they will like spazz and shit.
AND I SERIOUSLY HAD NO IDEA IT WAS SO MAD. And I think getting this from dancers made it more credible.
So then I realised that I have never sprained my ankle before probably because of my crazy joints.
Now moving on, I desperately wanted to be the mascots for Orientation because I know they gonna dance.
SO I PRAYED LIKE EVERYTIME I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. Then when I got it I was like :D :D :D THANK GOD. And then our OG did a little dance and I'm like :') It was only like 1minute in front of the hall but I was so fucking happy. See how easy is it to make me happy?!
But in the thing I was abit sian la cause I can't really dance that well, due to my super bad body memory. So I couldn't really recall and coordinate.
So my confidence was affected again la :(
But then, I was really happy when one of my freshie asked me if I was in dance, because he thought I was.
:') :') :')
But one thing I didn't tell anyone was that, after orientation prep everyday, I would go home feeling depressed. Because I would know after orientation, my life would suck. And it was crazy.
You experience extreme happiness and then extreme depression. I enjoyed it but I knew like all things it would end.
And then it ended la. I was obviously sad when you see freshies joining dance and you looking at yourself and going " see what you did to yourself." So I was super emotional every single day, especially since my OG always meets at the dance area. And I would be there sometimes with only a few people and the dancers would be there and I would be like I can't be here.
After a while I decided to stop being a bitch about it, and went to join modern dance at a Community Centre.
I WAS SO EXCITED. I managed to cheat $120 out of my sister to register for the course. Up until today, she still can't recall! :D
BUT FOR THE FIRST LESSON. I WAS HORRIFIED.
AUNTIES. AUNTIES EVERYWHERE.
I WAS LIKE SHIT... WHY DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS.
And the lesson was so sian and slow and I was so disappointed. :(
But gradually, I began to enjoy the lesson. The teacher was really meh though...
BUT SHE COMPLIMENTED MY FEET. :)
Last week, a new teacher came to take over the previous teacher. He was so awesome and vibrant and all!
I was really inspired.
So today is my last lesson. And I contemplated ponning (because.... STOMACHACHE. I OVERATE LA BITCH) I even missed my stop while whatsapping on the bus.
But I was just like "NVM JUST GO, LAST LESSON."
I waited outside the dance studio for 30mins. And I was telling myself, "should I just leave? The teacher might not be here". And just when I asked the office, the teacher came and apologised for being late.
There were only 4 people in the class. So sad. It was the best dance lesson I've attended.
Something weird happened in the middle of the lesson.
The teacher was talking to us about body shape. And we did like a back curl and he said I had a perfect back arch or something. And I was like oh ok.
Then when we were doing feet thingies, he suddenly made me stand.
Then he was describing how my knees were overbent. I have something called "hyper legs".
So according to Dance Magazine:
"Hyperextended legs, in which the straightened knee naturally curves behind the thigh and calf muscles, are prized in the world of extreme ballet bodies."

So basically the calves I've hated for so long are prized.
AND THEN SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER HAPPENED. HE ASKED ME TO BE PARALLEL AND THEN ASKED THE OTHER STUDENTS TO TOUCH MY LEG. I WAS LIKE LOL WHAT IS HAPPENING WHUT.
And like all of them touched my legs and they were like :O
I WAS LIKE "WHAT IS GOING ON OMG" then he explained la.
Apparently this resulted in my calves being mostly muscular and my thigh as well. And then for that moment. I loved my fat muscular legs.
So one of the students asked "Is it good or bad?"
Then he replied that it was "bad for my health" (fml #badluck) but it was GREAT for dance.
SO I NEARLY TEARED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE YOU GET THIS REALISATION THAT YOU HAVE THE BODY/STATURE TO DO AWESOME THINGS BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG.
SO I WAS LIKE SO OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS AND DEPRESSED ABOUT HOW MY LIFE NOW SUCKS.
But then, during the lesson, my emotions turned around, when the teacher shared hi experiences.
I swear, he is freaking inspirational. He told us that he joined his first dance lesson at 22, and paid for his own school fees since 18. And thus he would always be super confident and go all out during lessons to make his money worth. And he told us of how he used to be flat footed but he would soak his feet everyday in warm water and bend his feet to point. And slowly, he made it into dance school on a scholarship. And that he realised that he wanted to be a soloist. And he became a soloist and started up his own dance company.
I was like omglob omglob omglob.
Then I realised, God has given me these calves and legs and ALL I DO IS COMPLAIN ABOUT THEM AND HOW THE PAST IS GONE FOREVER AND I CANNOT DANCE ANYMORE.
I WAS LIKE, FROM NOW ONWARDS I'M GOING TO DANCE AND DANCE AND DANCE. AND DO WHATEVER SHIT I WANT.
ANYWAY MY KNEES ARE PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE ME DIE AND SUFFER WHEN I GET OLD. SO WHY NOT USE THEM TO MY ADVANTAGE AND DO NICE DANCEY MOVES.
And at that moment, I was so energised and I tried to dance beautifully for the next exercises :') I really felt so confident and happy.
And then the teacher was like "So, let's do this one last time" for our last exercise.
There and then, I told myself "Yun Wei, go for it."
And then I twirled and kicked and all. And it ended.

Ok not yet, he did cooling down exercises and even then I gave in my all.

Then in my head I was like "I feel like telling the teacher he is an inspiration and I'm going to do that... And I want to continue to go for lessons on other days because I can't make it on Sunday."

BUT THEN BEING #BADLUCK. Actually no. Being #lowconfidence, I nearly left the lesson just like that.

But this dear girl asked the teacher if he offered individual classes. THEN I RAN THERE AND LISTENED IN AND ASKED HIM AS WELL.
And he did!!! And i was like :D :D :D
So I gave him my email and he said he would inform us if there are slots. And he said it would be a bit more expensive but then I was thinking "I'M GOING TO SAVE UP I'M GOING TO SAVE UP"

The girl is really sweet. She was more ambitious though. She wanted to DSA into VJDance. I was like :')
I hope she can do it. I think she can. Unlike me, she took the initiative and followed through.
And these are the people who always give me hope.

And just like that, the knot finally loosened itself. The knot of regret from 18 years of my life.
I've lived in perpetual regret and low self-confidence all my life.
I wouldn't say it's completely loosened  now, but I think my outlook is going to be more positive now.
I know there are a lot of obstacles along the way for me.
Even now, I can sense my friends being upset about me when I try to be all dance-y.
I can see in their heads how they think I'm pretentious and shit la, stretching everywhere. (SHE THINK SHE BALLERINA AH)
But I no longer want to be suppressed. I've decided that when it comes to dance matters.
I'm not going to follow my mind or my heart. I'M JUST GOING TO DO IT.
And that is the precious lesson I learnt today.
And that is also partly the reason behind my blog name.

Love you all.
Love you calves. You cannot kick ball but you make me pointe.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS LAST LINE TO MELODY.
For being the only possible friend who has encouraged me and never once doubted me in my journey.
I love you Melody. You are the beautifullest person I've ever met. :') (tearing now)

so like, school

so like, i haven't posted in a while.
I've experienced so much shit this past month.
This week was prettyyy crazyyy.
Lepak-ed at home the whole day today because I woke up at noon. Slept at 1am yesterday because I was at musicfest and all.
Basically, I still have so much shit to do. Crit comm (WHICH WAS COMPLETED BUT I STUPIDLY FORGOT TO TAKE BACK MY MARKED COPY FROM MR B SO I CAN'T DO ANY AMENDMENTS I FEEL SO CHEATED FML.), Econs revision (FUCKING TEST ON WEDNESDAY) AND TSD GROUP PIECE. I CANNOT DEAL WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW. NAPFA IN 2 WEEKS. TSD SHIT IN 2 WEEKS. ONLY REDEMPTION (NOT REALLY) IS THAT MY NEW PHONE IS IN 17 DAYS. NOT EVEN COMFORTING CONSIDERING I HAVE TO LIVE 17 DAYS MORE WITH MY CURRENT PHONE.

So summary is that my life is pretty much a mess now. And I had to fall sick again. Well done, yun wei. Your immunity has won an award.

Okay anyway, moving on.
Yesterday was like the best friday I've had in weeeks. Because for the previous fridays I alone and so fucked up and didn't even try sympathising with myself by spamming food. And basically falling sick and phone dying has made my life miserable and whine like a bitch because first-world problems are real problems in my eyes.

So i started the day wanting to pon school for musicfest. But then I didn't cause I had to do TSD (WHICH I CANCELLED BECOS I WANTED TO HAVE FUN AND THEN IN THE END I FORGOT TO TAKE THE MARKED COPY OF MY PERFORMANCE THEORY FROM THE B).
It was international friendship day la. Had loads of fun dressing up.
Being so self-conscious about my arms, I avoided all kinds of sleeveless attire, only wearing them in I have a cardigan on. So I broke that rule and wore a punjabi suit. I swear I was so scared I'll look fat in every picture I took but thank God i look fat in only like 2 pics.

Here's a pic with the punjabis. (Who is the real deal?)

Al of us were damn bummed we had to stay late for GP and then whining about it. Then GP WAS FUCKING CANCELLED. I TELL YOU WE WERE OVERJOYED WE JUST RUSHED TO HEVINA'S HOUSE AND I SAW MY TSD GROUP AND I FELT BAD AND JUDGED BUT UGH I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR SO MANY WEEKS SO I NEEDED TO RECUPERATE AND THIS IS LEGIT.

So then, we headed to Hevina's house and started talking and eating shit and all. And like Mel and Idelle came. Then we showered and smelt nice and shit. THEN IT WAS MAKE UP TIMEEE.

I DID IDELLE AND MEL'S MAKEUP. I'M SO SORRY IDELLE FOR MAKING YOU LOOK PALE :( BUT YOU LOOKED REALLY GORGEOUS AND HOT AND ALL!!!!

I proceeded to do mel's makeup and was spazzing over the urban decay naked palette idelle brought over. But there were colour schemes so I was like ohmaigawd what are colours. Anyway I did mel's hair too and mel's hair is like fucking rapunzel hair and it retains curls really well. (LOOK AT THE OTHER PICS FOR PROOF)

Anyway, hevina's mum was such a dear, buying dinner and awesome cupcakes and all for us.

I thank you a12 girls for teaching me the art of eating a cupcake. Only last year, I was eating a twelvecupcakes cupcake with its frosting first and exclaiming afterward "EWW THE CUPCAKE IS NOT NICE!"

ANYWAY THE GIRLS ALL DRESSED UP AND DID MAKE UP AS WELL.

I SWEAR EVERYONE LOOKS HOT AND FREAKING GORGEOUS YOU KNOW.

I JUST GOT REMINDED BY EMMA'S QUESTIONING OF MY SEX ORIENTATION BUT SERIOUSLY ALL OF THEM LOOKED PRETTY DAMN RIGHTEOUS.

PROOF:

MANAGED TO CONVINCE THE RACHAEL TO PUT RED LIPSTICK. NOONE BELIEVED ME. I was like "RACHAEL YOU'LL LOOK NICE WITH RED LIPSTICK I SWEAR" and everyone was like nooo and rachael was like nooooooo. AND I WAS LIKE NO TRY IT. And she did and everyone was like "omg you look gr8" and i was like "i told yuh so >:'( "

Then we were on the car and I was eating fried rice on the car and I stole a spoon. 5 girls at the back of the car, freaking crazy and reminded me of some american mean girls movie and shit i don't know la.

REACHED SCHOOL AND WE MADE HEV'S MUM MAKE LIKE A UTURN SO WE CAN STEP OUT OF THE CAR GLAMOROUSLY.

But obviously so many of us were in the car so we didn't look too glam.

And guess what. I found out that my shoes were broken the moment I stepped out of the car. -.-

Then we queued for photobooth and as I was admiring my own work on Mel's eyelids i shouted " I HATE PEOPLE DOUBLE EYELIDS". the girls around me stared at me and i was like fuck.

Here's some picture with the mod girls. we so style and hipster yo.

Then we spammed like a gazillion photobooth pictures and then MUSICFEST STARTED.

FIRST WAS IDELLE SHE SO GORGEOUS!!! SO JELLY OF ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO CAN SING.

THEN IT WAS MEL AND WAH LAO THE SONG WAS LIKE TEAR-INDUCING CAN SO MUCH EMOTION LA TSD STUDENT PRIDE OMG.

Then a couple of people I didn't know lol.

VOCAL GROUPS WISE LIANNE'S GROUP WAS SO FANTABULOUS MY GOD HER GUITAR WAS DAMN CHIO ALSO. They won first!!! 

OK AND THEN LIKE THE DANCE GROUP WAS FANTASTIC I WAS LIKE MOUTH OPEN THE ENTIRE TIME. And then I stared at how they merged with the floor and I'm just like :'( JELLY

Anyway, there was an intermission so more pictures.

WITH LE A12.

Something funny happened here. So i finally got to take a pic with melvin and rachael. And then this potato amanda pulled me away. So i was like ?._. then I replied " I'm taking a pic with them lei." Then she was like "OH" then she pushed me back into the frame. my theory is that she thinks I'm a cockblocker. so fml because even other people's subconsciousness are speaking for me. *insert FA meme here*

ok so second half of musicfest and all. THE MUSICVIDEO BY SUPERNORMAL FILMS WAS RIDICULOUSLY GOOD AND FUNNY.

And then like a couple of acts more and then it ended!!! (OK IM GETTING TIRED NOW)

Then went to camwhore with more people.

With trinisha and emma.

 So like emma and I wore matching outfits coincidentally. (TELEPATHY WE GON GET A FOR OUR TSD YO). I was like DEFUDGE WHEN I SAW HER. SO I HAD TO TAKE A PIC WITH HER WITHOUT MY CARDIGAN ON.

 SISTERS

Talked to some people and then left for supper at Macdonalds Parkway.
I was like thinking of eating a meal but thank god i didn't because fats.
Got an ice cream cone and Blossom was judging me the whole time because I was staring at her ice cream.
Went home with jingyin and then chatted again. forever talking. Reached home at midnight and then slept at 1am plus. WAS SO SHAG AND THE BED WAS JUST LIKE FLUFFY.

ANYHOW, Musicfest 2013 was a great event. 19 April 2013 is an awesome day and I would always remember it! ENDING WITH A SPASTIC PICTURE.

GOOD NIGHT BITCHES.

crazy cts

this year has been so crazyyy!
Especially orientation! It was really awesome, I'll do a more detailed post after CTs (hopefully)
Anyhow, everything is good, except for the fact that I'm probably gonna fail my CTs.
But I'm really gonna work hard now :) Feel so motivated (actually, fearful) to do well!
The J2s got their results today and i guess it was quite intense.
Can't believe that it would be my turn next year. :(

something greater

yes, finally a positive day.
Finished my monologue+duologue.
So happy that I improved.
Mr B commented I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin.
I am really starting to be more confident and more 'in the moment' as an actor. :D
I want to do well for A levels, and make my parents proud :D


And before I walked out of school today, Ms Ng stopped me to tell me that she wants me to be a CLIC facilitator.
It was really surprising, because I didn't participate in CLIC (actually I really wanted to :( ).
I was so flattered la!!! And it really boosted my mood, especially after a shithole of a week.
But ugh, I will be having TSD exams then, so I can't make it as a CLIC facilitator, as much as I want to. Maybe God will find some way to open another door for me.

Anyhow, I'm already feeling good about getting such an acknowledgement.
I think being someone with few skills, I've started to become immune to taunts and people looking down on me.
Praises/acknowledgements really make me feel so much better as a person.
I always feel that I try so hard and the only shit I can do is study.
I know a lot of people want to have the discipline to study, but then being in VJC, everyone can study as well.
So basically, I can't do any shit.

But I'm really working hard to find out what I like.

I really hope I can open the concept store I want to open, and open branches overseas. And then have a chain of stores specialising in different things. I think I really just want to be a part of everything.
Growing up, I realised that my dreams and hopes aren't that graspable. It's dangerous in a way, because I'm merely hoping for something which is quite vague, like being successful. But, I guess in a way, it's making me happier when I make progress.

Can't wait for orientation. It's going to be a blast. :)

enough tears for the week

I feel real terrible.

This week has been the worst week. I feel as if every week is becoming worse. Is it really pessimism or just truth?

I wanted to become happier during this OG outing. And shit just has to happen.
:'( I was not mentally right for this week. And I think it really affected me physically.
Realised that for the past year, I've been lepaking at home for weekend, thinking it's boring.
This year, I've been out every weekend, and it is really taking a toll on me.
Orientation starts on Friday and I really don't want it to end. At least out of so much negativity, positive things are happening.
But then again, the negative things seem to appear due to the increased positivity in my life.
I am extremely thankful for the friends I have in life, who stand by me.
Thank you Melody, Rachael for being such great listeners.
Thank you my dearest OG mates for taking care of me :)
I thank people who have been caring for me, albeit in smaller ways.
Just a simple message or card really warms my days, and it keeps me going.
And I guess that is the reason why I love making cards, because I believe they will have the same effect on people. Yes, it may be foolish to think like this, but why not make the effort when you can?

I really look forward to this year and I believe it will be better. I wouldn't want to say nothing would be as bad as this week though.

ache

It really hurts when people do not take you seriously.

It can be unintentional. But you can't help but think, am i really that invisible?

It's not their fault for making comments like this, but I am so sick and tired of being unconsciously neglected.

Someone can make a comment about being worried about a certain person because of some reason, but for that same reason, I may be in a dangerous situation as well.

But it doesn't get through. I can't stand being just the 'next' person.

I feel terrible everyday. I feel so aimless and all sometimes. Everyday, I'm being haunted by all these regrets thrown at me. And I just keep blaming myself and I can't stop.

Can people just stop assuming things?

truth

just came back from a run! it was greattt! only 8 rounds the track, but the fact that i did not stop is a new achievement! :) walked about 2.5km home hahaa joke.

didn't go for lit lecture today cos i wanted to chiong orientation stuff. IT WAS SUPER JOKE.

what happened was that kai and i were just like chilling, then i saw that trinisha and melody whatsapped me. trinisha was like lit test and like had her spelling errors lol and melody was like we have a lit test?!!??!?! and i appreciated the fact that they smsed me quickly with the dying reception in the LT. 

kai and i were like fuck we are screwed. and i was like shit i am super lucky this is my first time ponning lit lecture srsly. and then i was like praying and all. 

THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED. NO SHIT. 

the test was supposed to be an hour long, but the trolls of the lit department stopped them after 15mins for a reflection. WADDAFUCK RIGHT. I WAS LIKE CRAP I DON'T WANT PON ANYMORE LIAO MY HEART IS TOO WEAK FOR THIS.

anyway, besides this troll incident, this year has been great so far. couple of shocking things happened.

i guess you can't expect yourself to always meet the same kind of people.

i've met people so sweet and dear, and also people who are extremely dense.

i guess out of all the people you meet, there's bound to be someone who isn't that nice.

i don't know la, but everytime i make a friend, i would make sure that the relationship lasts. 

and i thought most people do.

normally, I assume that and try to be nice to people.

i really do try to be genuine, especially this few years. in the past, i'm like the super bochap one.

but now, i place more importance on people. because i realise that people care!!!

so anyway, i actually wanted to write a lot of things but my mind just trailed off. oop.

i'm starting to become more hardworking la, or so i think. BUT REALLLY, i think this year is going to be a good year! :D

schoolz

OKAY HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!

:D It's going to be great! I'm going to school tomorrow x_x But it's OGL camp =D

2012 was crazy. I had so many experiences! I performed in public for the first time. 

I learnt how to rollerblade(still failing) and swim(somehow) and went overseas without my parents.

I saved so much money lol and went to my first music festival and all!

It was really a year of experiences. Now that I think about it, it seems so fast yet overwhelming.

2013 is going to major stress, more than 2011. A levels YO. But at the same time, my first prom!

I hope I'll be able to ace A levels. I hope for a lot of distinctions heh! And for me to finally know what I'm going to do in life lol.

I hope I'll get my Iphone next year hur as well as my harp hurhur.

I also hope to start a lifestyle blog *ahem melody*. Actually I do have one now but it's pretty dead lol.

http://themarmaladepress.blogspot.sg/

OK, so I guess that's all. Not very clear-minded now because it doesn't really feel like a new year to me!

That's what happens when you get so busy in the month of December. It's actually my first time experiencing something like this. Instead of fear and insecurity, I feel familiarity.