first impressions

This is going to be really long post.

Lots happened today, and I'm not exactly in the best mood right now.
It started with a few things happening, and it seems that more bad things happen along the way.
Guess it's the law of attraction, huh? Having negative thoughts and more just come your way.
I've been thinking a lot today. Especially about how my life's going.
I had my OGL interview today, and I have a strong feeling I would not get it, but I think I would feel okay about it.
After graduating from secondary school, I faced more failures. I still remember in secondary school, I was auditioning for CO. I passed and was very happy. I mean, it was the 'it' CCA in Zhong Hua that time, and my peers were in it. I screwed up the audition and was upset. After I got into the CCA, I would still feel a tinge of sadness, to know myself that I don't really deserve to be here. And true enough, the teacher in charge one day told me that I was one of the last few they shortlisted for the CCA. I don't know why he told me that, but it was pretty sad for me.
Now, it has become a common thing for me to face such failures. I seem to be immune to it now. After I left secondary school, the comfort of belonging in a CCA for 4 years disappeared. I mean, I did not have any major interviews and stuff in secondary school. And I felt I was competent enough even if I have to face such interviews and stuffs. However, being in a completely different community now, you find that there are people way better than you.
People always tell me that my studies are good, that I am smart blah blah blah blah. But maybe because I'm always doing okay in academics, I really want a change and do well in our aspects. I do not have any musical skill or athletic abilities. I know hard work must be put into it, and people always accuse me of not putting in enough effort when i complain about being bad at something. I know it's true for some cases, but I'm not so lazy that I would do that for everything right? I mean, I can put in hard work in my studies, and it shows that I can put in effort in other skills. However, I think I'm always demoralised and thus lack the discipline. And being demoralised is a result of that vicious cycle. I don't do well in interviews and then I feel that I'm lacking in something, and I lose hope in things.

This year, I applied for the Humanities Scholarship Programme. I'm probably less sore about not getting it now, but my classmates are a constant reminder of this. I wanted it since secondary 3. No joke, I knew about it since secondary three and even told my friends about it. How badly I wanted it. And i prepared for the interview. And during the interview, the interviewer started to be rather aggressive, and I was nervous, and I totally forgot the reason that I wanted the HSP in the first place. My family is not well off. I wanted the money to ease the burden of my parents. I mean, my dad is 56 years old this. I want for him to take a rest. He has been taking care of the family for so many years, especially since I'm the last child and the age gap between my sisters and I are huge. Everyday, he wakes up the earliest, and sleeps very late. He's always silent, but I can see that it's tiring for him. My mum has been telling me that he is facing some problems at work as well. I'm crying as I am writing this. Going back to the issue, I am constantly reminded of the HSP by my classmates who got it. I know some of them are pretty well-off, and they want the perks and title of being a HSP students. I know of some of my classmates who are going to use the money for shopping as well. I don't blame them at all. If i am in their position, I'll probably do the same. I really want to work hard, to do well, to be able to buy a house for them. I know I keep saying it, but I really want my parents to have a good life. It was just so depressing because I've wanted it so for so long, so badly. And I didn't get it. Some people were nice about it, others were like, it's over, don't bother about it. Yes, it's true that it's over and I should not bother about it, but it is precisely due to the hope I had before that caused me to hold so tightly to this fact. It seems that after that, other failures seem like nothing. I find that I've become so accustomed to it. It makes me worried but thankful at the same time. Worried because I fear that I lose hope and faith. Thankful that it makes the wounds hurt less.

I joined a GC design contest this year, and wanted to win first prize. I know it's ironic I'm in the Arts Faculty and want to take part in a GC contest, but the prize was $1000. And i wanted to get it so much; to make up for the money I did not manage to get in the HSP. I guess it's because the results took so long to come out, that I didn't feel that upset even after my teacher told me the results. I felt empty. I didn't really have any feelings of sadness anymore. It was just like another failure to me. Something normal. I probably felt a tinge of sadness, but it was mostly a void of emotions.

I had my OGL interview after that. Before that, I didn't know whether I should be excited about it. After all, failing interviews seem to be the norm for me. To someone like me who can't articulate properly( seriously i wasn't like this in secondary school!!!), being judged by first impressions taunted me. I tried to make psych myself into thinking that I'm excited about it. I think it worked, but I mean, there will always be this bit of fear  of failure and emptiness at the same time. I did okay I guess, but there will always be competition, and I didn't feel that I would get it. Although I was kind of emotionless about it, I felt that if I thought about it, I would probably break out into tears.

I just got another piece of bad news. My Victorian Affair idea was rejected. That's a lot of rejection in one day. For this, I really put my whole heart into it. I envisioned it in my mind, and know that the students would love it. I wanted to make the most out of my time in Interact, and leave a good impression of Interact in the minds of other Victorians. I always seem to fail, and though I've become accustomed to it, there's always this  bit of disappointment and increasing bitterness. It's like, with so many wrong things happening to me, I feel compromised.

It's really sad when you come to a point, where you think that everything you do seems worthless. I can still be happy and optimistic at most times. But it's these feelings that are hidden deep inside, that always remind you at your weakest times. It seems to manifest itself, making you feel worse. I'm really trying to change it now. I know I seem really emo about it and stuff now, but I think I am strong enough to handle it.
It's part of life, and for me, I have to work harder than others to overcome this.


I guess that sometimes, when you fail, it somehow makes you belittle yourself even more. And the cycle repeats itself. All you need is more faith and hope. Even if you require that more than others to get back on track, it is worth it ultimately because you would never be so tightly connected to the cycle of failure anymore. Because you yourself choose to move away from it, and that's all that matters.