i miss all of it.

had national day celebration, and felt a bit disappointed towards the end.
i remember last year, on this occasion, 4e1 took a class pic together. then, all of us were trying to enjoy the moment, because the O levels were coming and we wanted to treasure the time we have together.
Totally miss the things where everyone was enjoying the moment.
I guess though this year is different, i've really tried a lot of new things.
sometimes i think that i've wasted 17 years of my life, because other than my friends and family, i have not really experienced much.
every year was just a monotonous cycle, and every year just went by.
sometimes, i still think i'm 13, but then i realise i'm already 17 and i go like," gosh how much time do i have left until im deemed old."
i guess YOLO is kind of cliche to people, but to me, it's apparent. I never ever want to grow any older. I guess the times you have as a student are definitely more fun. Which is probably why i came to vjc with high hopes, to feel more at ease. i can say im a very community person, wherever i go, i need people who share the same interests as me. im quite rara and want to go crazy about everything. so when there are meh days, i just feel so restrained and trapped, as if i'm being forced to not be myself. yes it is true noone is controlling my thoughts, but when you're around people, you feel obliged to go along(maybe due to me being easily influenced by others).
i'm probably thinking too much. but maybe i should heed e's advice, to try to find the community i feel more comfortable in. after going through what happened in secondary three, i never want to go back to the same situation again. i really like feeling inclusive, because being empty and neglected is probably my fear.
i guess that instead of being meh about life, one should always try. try to make your experience better. or at least make it better for others. all of us want to do something meaningful in our two years. and not just remember everything as an empty shell, with nothing significant happening. time is limited and just letting it pass is a waste.

so i felt abit down and went to hevina's house for tsd. mood really became better. we had good food(heh) and i was damnn full. shepherd's pie omg and i spammed myself with potatoes... carbo :< and hummus, which is like this super funky dip which is quite yummy. and had salmon for dinner, superr nice :). fattening food today but tomorrow, i'm going to run with my sister to keep fit heh. anyway, hevina taught me how to rollerblade. being damn kiasi, i was like shouting(like always) and crying(defug). but i somehow managed to do it lol quite embarrassing though oop. yay a new life skill learnt and a tick on my bucket list.

hopefully having class dinner on friday though, can't wait to see all of the people :) tomorrow i'm just gonna stay at home and study. hmph.