so the title is half true.
i had the best dance lesson today. and this is considering i ponned half of my lessons previously.
i'm progressing because for my previous dance lesson i ponned 4/8. this time, i ponned 3/8. Soon it will be 0/8.
anyway, i think most people know dance is like a big word to me. I've had a long history with dance.
But it didn't start out well la.
When I was young, my mum asked me if I wanted to take ballet lessons and I was like NOOOO. (UGH)
I performed on stage once for some kindergarten performance. And apparently, I already had monster calves then.
Proof:
I'M ON THE LEFT (IN CASE YOU COULDN'T RECOGNISE. BUT SERIOUSLY HOW CHINA AM I) IT'S FREAKING SCARY RIGHT. LOOK AT HOW MY CALVES ARE THRICE THE SIZE OF THE SKINNY PEOPLE.
So all my life, I battled with weight. I was 55kg and 152cm in Primary 5 mind you. Everyone was like 20 or 30kg.
(spot me here. lolol can't believe i'm posting this.
So people believed me when I said I did plastic surgery. Did I? You decide ;) )
I was put into TAF club and my second encounter with dance came.
A couple of dancers from Studio Wu came to teach us fat people hip hop.
At first I was apprehensive and scared la. I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO FAT PEOPLE!!!
But then, the first lesson I learned how to do a wave. And from then onwards I would do random waves.
But being #badluck, the instructor joined some Channel U band contest and then the class was disbanded after 2 lessons.
So I was sad la but what to do! So I continued being fat.
Then came secondary school. I LOST LIKE 5KG AND GREW LIKE 6CM.
So naturally I looked more mature and shit. But up until now, my mum blames this weight loss for making my boobs shrink. Every now and then, she would see me and go " you shouldn't have lost weight in secondary school, your boobs were bigger in primary school." this is disturbing but thanks mum.
I wanted to join modern dance but then zhong hua being zhong hua, there was only chinese dance.
And the sight of people dressed in super tight leotards and 3cm thick makeup scared me. I already looked china enough I didn't want to look like a freaking china zombie. The worst thing was that I had to wear a leotard. I've struggled with my weight long enough, I didn't want to wear a freaking leotard and expose all my fats and non existent boobs. So I succumbed to peer pressure and joined CO.
Okay, going back to calves. My calves was made fun of. And it wasn't by strangers. It was by my own friends.
I hated my calves, like seriously. I couldn't run and do sports and my calves were so fatty. (I thought they were fat all along.) When I lost weight in secondary school, it became 3cm less. And I was like THANK GOD I AM SKINNY NOW (DEFUQ). But then it just stopped.
(see how skinny I looked in sec 3/4?! FML)
I would always read those japanese fashion beauty magazines and there would be weight loss issues. These girls would have like calves 29cm and I would be like defudge i need to cut off my flesh to be this skinny.
So i hated my legs. And I know it's a bit o_o because I always wear shorts. But the reason I wear shorts is really sad... I couldn't fit into jeans because my calves were too fat... It was so sad because you see Girls Generation with crazy legs and you fit yourself into skinnies and then you get stuck in them and tell yourself " HOLY FUCK I'M GOING TO WALK AROUND WITH THESE PAIR OF SKINNIES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" and then you manage to pull them off and you swear you'll never wear them again.
And then came secondary 3, a dance defining moment of my life as well.
In secondary 3, the kpop trend was strong.
I was an anti-kpop fan. And I would be like giving looks of disgust to those snsd worshippers who delude themselves and all.
But then I secretly enjoyed the dances. Even until now, I only look at kpop girl groups because the dances are more appropriate for me (no obscene hipthrust la)
So I would run home every single day, looking at wawa dance videos and learning dances. I looked damn terrible and my mirror would be my window. I would sweat so much but feel so good. My first dance learnt was Oh! by SNSD because it was so easy! I learnt it with my friends and we would dance it in class/behind school.
We nearly danced it during our sec 3 camp but was still self-conscious and I thought that my classmates would vomit if they see me dance something so cute so I didn't.
So, in secondary 3, the SC was being awesome and decided to hold a dance contest. I was like overjoyed.
So a few girls and guys gathered together and we wanted to join it.
We even booked the dance studio and I started to dance 4minute dances like HuH and all.
Then for the first time ever, my friend's jaw dropped and she went " OMG YUNWEI YOU CAN DANCE!!!"
AND THEN I WAS JUST LIKE :'( BECAUSE ALL ALONG MY FRIENDS GAVE ME LOOKS OF DISGUST WHEN I DANCED. There was only one girl who would encourage me and up until now I am thankful to her for it :'(
SO I WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY OF COURSE AND I WAS LIKE WE MUST JOIN WE MUST JOIN.
But then, since I am forever #badluck, one person decided that she was not up to it and she pulled out.
In the end the whole thing fell apart. I was depressed for a few days and nights and of course blamed her la.
But until now, I still remember the moment my friend was like "YUNWEI YOU CAN DANCE" and this blur friend would still have these random outbursts which make me :)
SO SAD, BUT AT LEAST SOME PROGRESS.
When I saw the dance competition that year, I was just like aw man. If only I was on stage. It was in sec 3 that I decided a lot of things for myself. For myself to join VJ Dance, and to get the humanities scholarship. Even here, I introduced the humanities scholarship to my friend. She got it in the end lol.
ANYWAY MOVING ON, there was also a secondary 4 dance competition, but everything was falling apart here and then I couldn't join la. But I was ok with it because I knew there would be greater things out there for me in JC.
So I ended Secondary School on a meh note, being in CO and being the only person to learn nothing about music.
When I went to JC, I was fucking excited. During orientation, I told everyone I wanted to join dance.
Then another og mate wanted too. And we were ok we join together. I was so hyped up and confident.
But then you know how #badluck I am, so we all know how that turned out.
On the day of the audition, I brought all my shizz. The tights and all.
Then I had a stomachache.
I knew it was psychological. But I am always afraid. So I managed to make up all kinds of excuses for myself.
"If you don't join, it's okay. Maybe you wouldn't like it."
SO I WENT HOME. I WAS ON THE BUS AND I STILL RECALL TILL THIS DAY.
MY HEAD WAS LIKE FULL OF THESE EXCUSES. And I remember smsing my friend, and she asked me if I'm going and I was like "I'm not feeling well."
So then, I was just like meh I'm probably doing the right thing because I'm following my mind.
THEN I FUCKING REGRETTED LA OF COURSE. MY FRIEND GOT IN. And then I was like :(
Because I knew i would have gotten in if I tried out. But I didn't.
Then I WAS LIKE IF I WAS GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE I WOULD JOIN.
AND YES, THEY HAD 2ND ROUND OF AUDITIONS.
SO I WAS LIKE FUCK.
But then it was held during the first/second practice. And I was like shit people will look at me and i will flop because my confidence is super low. So I ponned it AGAIN.
And obviously I was upset right.
I was upset with myself, but I vented my frustration at everyone.
IT WAS SO BAD. My close friend even said some stuff that cut my deep. DEEP.
She said something to the effect that I shouldn't whine and all because I deserved it (because I didn't have the courage). I WAS SO FUCKING SAD I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HER.
And everyday, i would see dance and be like *whimper*.
But it was still bearable for me, because J1 only ma. You just chill and once you have awesome friends you feel great. I signed up for Street Jazz class with Melody and we had fun even though I ponned half of it. LOL. The only thing I remember was my teacher commenting that I've had nice feet. Melody also saw that my feet was crazy but then I was just like huh ok. When I was in Laos, I was stretching (ME STRETCH EVERYWHERE) and Vivian was like " are you a dancer" and I was like "no. :(" and she was like "YOU ARE A DANCER LA!" and I love these little moments when my friends would give me confidence boost :').
So JC 2 came. And like I was put into an OG with a lot of dancers.
So at first I was like :D because all of them were in the mascot group in our OG and they would do random dances and shit and I would dance with them sometimes. I was really happy la, although it was something small. Because it reminded me of the fun times I had dancing in Sec 3, especially to the 2009/2010 kpop dances (which I still remember to this day).
And they were like "we can go oschool together!" and I would be like :'D, I finally can dance in a group.
And then it was during here I realised that my feet were crazy.
I could point my feet and my toes could touch the floor. I thought it was normal. I was doing pointe with random shoes since young and I seriously thought it was normal. And like everytime when I do it they will like spazz and shit.
AND I SERIOUSLY HAD NO IDEA IT WAS SO MAD. And I think getting this from dancers made it more credible.
So then I realised that I have never sprained my ankle before probably because of my crazy joints.
Now moving on, I desperately wanted to be the mascots for Orientation because I know they gonna dance.
SO I PRAYED LIKE EVERYTIME I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. Then when I got it I was like :D :D :D THANK GOD. And then our OG did a little dance and I'm like :') It was only like 1minute in front of the hall but I was so fucking happy. See how easy is it to make me happy?!
But in the thing I was abit sian la cause I can't really dance that well, due to my super bad body memory. So I couldn't really recall and coordinate.
So my confidence was affected again la :(
But then, I was really happy when one of my freshie asked me if I was in dance, because he thought I was.
:') :') :')
But one thing I didn't tell anyone was that, after orientation prep everyday, I would go home feeling depressed. Because I would know after orientation, my life would suck. And it was crazy.
You experience extreme happiness and then extreme depression. I enjoyed it but I knew like all things it would end.
And then it ended la. I was obviously sad when you see freshies joining dance and you looking at yourself and going " see what you did to yourself." So I was super emotional every single day, especially since my OG always meets at the dance area. And I would be there sometimes with only a few people and the dancers would be there and I would be like I can't be here.
After a while I decided to stop being a bitch about it, and went to join modern dance at a Community Centre.
I WAS SO EXCITED. I managed to cheat $120 out of my sister to register for the course. Up until today, she still can't recall! :D
BUT FOR THE FIRST LESSON. I WAS HORRIFIED.
AUNTIES. AUNTIES EVERYWHERE.
I WAS LIKE SHIT... WHY DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS.
And the lesson was so sian and slow and I was so disappointed. :(
But gradually, I began to enjoy the lesson. The teacher was really meh though...
BUT SHE COMPLIMENTED MY FEET. :)
Last week, a new teacher came to take over the previous teacher. He was so awesome and vibrant and all!
I was really inspired.
So today is my last lesson. And I contemplated ponning (because.... STOMACHACHE. I OVERATE LA BITCH) I even missed my stop while whatsapping on the bus.
But I was just like "NVM JUST GO, LAST LESSON."
I waited outside the dance studio for 30mins. And I was telling myself, "should I just leave? The teacher might not be here". And just when I asked the office, the teacher came and apologised for being late.
There were only 4 people in the class. So sad. It was the best dance lesson I've attended.
Something weird happened in the middle of the lesson.
The teacher was talking to us about body shape. And we did like a back curl and he said I had a perfect back arch or something. And I was like oh ok.
Then when we were doing feet thingies, he suddenly made me stand.
Then he was describing how my knees were overbent. I have something called "hyper legs".
So according to Dance Magazine:
"
Hyperextended legs, in which the straightened knee naturally curves behind the thigh and calf muscles, are prized in the world of extreme ballet bodies."
So basically the calves I've hated for so long are prized.
AND THEN SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER HAPPENED. HE ASKED ME TO BE PARALLEL AND THEN ASKED THE OTHER STUDENTS TO TOUCH MY LEG. I WAS LIKE LOL WHAT IS HAPPENING WHUT.
And like all of them touched my legs and they were like :O
I WAS LIKE "WHAT IS GOING ON OMG" then he explained la.
Apparently this resulted in my calves being mostly muscular and my thigh as well. And then for that moment. I loved my fat muscular legs.
So one of the students asked "Is it good or bad?"
Then he replied that it was "bad for my health" (fml #badluck) but it was GREAT for dance.
SO I NEARLY TEARED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE YOU GET THIS REALISATION THAT YOU HAVE THE BODY/STATURE TO DO AWESOME THINGS BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG.
SO I WAS LIKE SO OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS AND DEPRESSED ABOUT HOW MY LIFE NOW SUCKS.
But then, during the lesson, my emotions turned around, when the teacher shared hi experiences.
I swear, he is freaking inspirational. He told us that he joined his first dance lesson at 22, and paid for his own school fees since 18. And thus he would always be super confident and go all out during lessons to make his money worth. And he told us of how he used to be flat footed but he would soak his feet everyday in warm water and bend his feet to point. And slowly, he made it into dance school on a scholarship. And that he realised that he wanted to be a soloist. And he became a soloist and started up his own dance company.
I was like omglob omglob omglob.
Then I realised, God has given me these calves and legs and ALL I DO IS COMPLAIN ABOUT THEM AND HOW THE PAST IS GONE FOREVER AND I CANNOT DANCE ANYMORE.
I WAS LIKE, FROM NOW ONWARDS I'M GOING TO DANCE AND DANCE AND DANCE. AND DO WHATEVER SHIT I WANT.
ANYWAY MY KNEES ARE PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE ME DIE AND SUFFER WHEN I GET OLD. SO WHY NOT USE THEM TO MY ADVANTAGE AND DO NICE DANCEY MOVES.
And at that moment, I was so energised and I tried to dance beautifully for the next exercises :') I really felt so confident and happy.
And then the teacher was like "So, let's do this one last time" for our last exercise.
There and then, I told myself "Yun Wei, go for it."
And then I twirled and kicked and all. And it ended.
Ok not yet, he did cooling down exercises and even then I gave in my all.
Then in my head I was like "I feel like telling the teacher he is an inspiration and I'm going to do that... And I want to continue to go for lessons on other days because I can't make it on Sunday."
BUT THEN BEING #BADLUCK. Actually no. Being #lowconfidence, I nearly left the lesson just like that.
But this dear girl asked the teacher if he offered individual classes. THEN I RAN THERE AND LISTENED IN AND ASKED HIM AS WELL.
And he did!!! And i was like :D :D :D
So I gave him my email and he said he would inform us if there are slots. And he said it would be a bit more expensive but then I was thinking "I'M GOING TO SAVE UP I'M GOING TO SAVE UP"
The girl is really sweet. She was more ambitious though. She wanted to DSA into VJDance. I was like :')
I hope she can do it. I think she can. Unlike me, she took the initiative and followed through.
And these are the people who always give me hope.
And just like that, the knot finally loosened itself. The knot of regret from 18 years of my life.
I've lived in perpetual regret and low self-confidence all my life.
I wouldn't say it's completely loosened now, but I think my outlook is going to be more positive now.
I know there are a lot of obstacles along the way for me.
Even now, I can sense my friends being upset about me when I try to be all dance-y.
I can see in their heads how they think I'm pretentious and shit la, stretching everywhere. (SHE THINK SHE BALLERINA AH)
But I no longer want to be suppressed. I've decided that when it comes to dance matters.
I'm not going to follow my mind or my heart. I'M JUST GOING TO DO IT.
And that is the precious lesson I learnt today.
And that is also partly the reason behind my blog name.
Love you all.
Love you calves. You cannot kick ball but you make me pointe.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS LAST LINE TO MELODY.
For being the only possible friend who has encouraged me and never once doubted me in my journey.
I love you Melody. You are the beautifullest person I've ever met. :') (tearing now)
